Raise your glass..

GRYFFINDOR:

[ ] You’ve never done illegal drugs.
[x]You have a lot of friends
[x]You get along with everyone
[ ]You haven’t made fun of someone for at least two months
[ ]You love soccer
[ ]You love baseball
[x]You’re into writing and art
[ ] Favorite music genre is pop rock
[x]You believe in “innocent until proven guilty” theory
[x]One of your favourite colours is red or gold
[x]You get good grades at school
[x]One of the worst things you can do is lie
[x]You plan on going to college/university

Total: 8

HUFFLEPUFF:

[ ]You’re content with mostly everything in your life right now.
[x]You laugh a lot.
[ ]You like to follow trends.
[ ]Politics suck.
[ ]You love to swim
[ ]Water polo is awesome
[x]Pink is one of your favorite colors
[]Black is morbid & depressing
[ ]You’re an optimist.
[ ]You’re completely straight edged.
[x]You’re very emotional
[ ]Rap, R&B, & hip-hop is your favorite music genre
[ ]You don’t believe in going steady at a young age.
[x]You’ve made fun of at least one person this week.

Total: 4

RAVENCLAW:

[x]You’re depressed to a certain extent.
[x]You like to read.
[x]You appreciate theater & arts.
[]Sports suck.
[ ]You’re shy.
[]Loyalty is the MOST important thing in a relationship.
[x]Hate is completely unneeded.
[x]Indie is your favourite genre of music.
[x]Every once in awhile you have little anger outbursts.
[x] Lying is sometimes okay
[x]Blue is one of your favorite colors.
[]Serious is better than funny.

Total: 8

SLYTHERIN:

[x]There’s at least one person you hate.
[]Basketball is a good sport.
[]Football is amazing.
[x]Black is a cool color. 
[x]You’ve lied about something serious.
[x]You’re a very deep person.
[ ]You have considered suicide.
[x]Very loyal.
[x]You like metal.
[x]They make school seem more important than it is.
[]You’re scared to grow up.
[]You’ve done drugs in the past month
[]Anger is one of your primary feelings.
[x]You have trust issues.
[]Guilty until proven innocent.

Total: 8

RESULT: Ravenclaw/Slytherin/ gryffindor? . :P

As I go back,

to the things I love, I realize just how badly I want/need to get better. I know it sounds dumb, but re-watching Buffy helped me realize this. I loved that show so much and even just watching the clear good and evil lines helps me to look and see, “that is something I have told myself I want to be or do”. I remember how strong Buffy was and re-watching it makes me realize it even more. She has so much shit go down and knows how to be weak, but she also knows how to let it go and be fun/ hide her suffering for a while. 

It reminds me about who I am, being silly, spending my free time reading books and watching good shows and listening to GOOD music. I really need to stop spending so much time doing things that I don’t want to, and this includes talking to people I don’t really want to. I am so much more happy when I have surrounded myself with people who actually love me and I them.I don’t waste too much time any more really. I talk to who I want to, and love who loves me.

This also takes me to another spot in my life, I need to realize when I don’t mean as much to someone as they mean to me, or to realize how much I can be attached to someone. Time wasting involves being on one side of a relationship with someone, where you pour in too much thought and care and yourself, yet they don’t seem to understand just how much you mean to them. I think I have been heart broken twice in my life now, officially.

I just need to make it through the rest of the semester, I need to keep strong. I need to finish my classes with a bang. Maybe I will make a super to-do list of ultimate doom for every little bit of shit I need to clear up… or I could just finish my German paper and casually read my various text books / do some yoga. Muuuuuuch better plan.

Oh, and another realization I had today, the three celebrities that I have mild obsessions with are all vegans or vegetarians. Amanda Palmer, Emilie Autumn, and Olivia Wilde. Damn, still wish I could have made the whole Rob and I thing work so I could have stolen his last name… oh well.

Plus, I need a cuddle. I haven’t had prolonged human contact for about 3 weeks now. This is getting Re-cock-ulous.

There should be rapturous gyrations; dancing, barefoot and wild in the streets. ecstatic vibrations pulsing through every household confetti pouring out from windows into the sidewalks thick, deep kisses ; fat, heavy tears A jubilant sensory overload Rise! from your pseudo-leather, saran-wrapped, sanitizer-dipped banality from your micro-waved, fluorescent-lit, plasticized ennui wrench from your veins the lies pumped by a talk show host through a vanilla IV Forget the platitudes, the small talk, hollow questions Forget your remote control, your white bread, your apathy There is a celebration to be had. Today we will celebrate the war against the crushing depression printed in bold face type with an exclamation point on page one, two, three, four, five, seven, and eight (page six is the comics and by god, we will celebrate the way that no matter what charlie brown still keeps trying to kick that football) We’re hosting a celebration for the things that are never celebrated: for mornings when you wake up and, for once, your first thought isn’t crawling back into bed for mornings when your sheets feel extra cool and crisp and the light spills over your windowsill at an atypical and startling angle that illuminates your curtains with a warm yellow light pours across your ceiling in beams and strips glitters off of the empty bottles lining the sill that by noon will look depressing. A celebration for silent communications with strangers, unspoken conversations over a shared experience like that time you dropped your entire bag of trailmix into the subway rail tracks and the guy across the way saw your eyes met and he gave you a look that was both empathetic and amused and you both laughed A celebration for the way a whisper tickles your ear a little for unexpected hugs and catching people off guard for the way your stomach drops when you go too high on the swing and the bubbly nervous excitement when you kiss someone for the first time and how these are essentially the same feeling Celebrate your body it is an incredible and radiant machines celebrate your contours, the way your muscles move so fluidly the soft skin behind your ear, that single curl on the nape of your neck your smooth pink nail beds, the sloping arch of your foot the elegance of your spine, the neatness of your shoulder blades you are fucking beautiful. Celebrate the lyricism of your own name and the bizarre sensation of saying it to yourself Celebrate falling asleep listening to someone’s heart beat good-luck pennies and winding staircases, fresh-cut grass and thunder storms dandelions when they are fluffy and white sliding on wood floors in socks and the screwed up faces babies make Just count the little things that get you through the endless parade of mondays, because I desperately want to know What will you celebrate for?

I got a day of freedom to really feel open and free after the shit storm. I liked being in control again. I don’t think I could ever do well in a asylum or hospital, even when they claim to be helping me. Even my mother, who I love dearly for her helping of me doesn’t get it. She compared me to our dog, she told me that right now was like when our dog needs to be on a short leash and she needs to pull back and control him. I fucking hate that. I am NOT and animal that she needs to reign in. I am NOT absolutely ridiculous and unable to operate. It’s funny because I feel like I am walking that fine line of completely needing to depend on everyone around me and needing to be alone and strong. What really gets to me is that I feel like my mom is using my snap as a means to make me into the perfect little daughter I feel like she always wish that she had. The one with normal hair, who doesn’t have “radical” opinions and goes to planed parenthood and runs around at night and drinks and has a life. I can’t stand all the the handing over of my body and mind…I can’t do it. I can’t be a slave to any one. I am so done with all of that shit. I am in control of my body, my mind, my love. I won’t let anyone try and take that away from me… even if they do it in  the name of “helping” me. Sorry mom, but you can help me get through this, but just don’t put a choke collar on me.